“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”

– Ralph Nichols

Freedom to… Listen?

Listening is one of my favorite things to teach because most people are pretty bad at it. But the thing is, I don’t totally blame an individual for not listening well because most of us were never explicitly taught how to listen.

Think about it, American culture does not value listening as much as speaking. Our Constitution gives us the Freedom of Speech, and almost all college students eventually have to take that dreaded public speaking course. But we do not have public listening classes (although I do indeed believe there would be a lot less conflict if we did).

The goal of this post is to really define what listening is, and provide you with 4 listening strategies that you can apply to your conversations with family, friends, and even those annoying doctors that never seem to listen to you.

Back to the Basics: What is Listening?

If you are like many of my students, you might answer this question one of two ways:

• Listening is when you listen to people.
or
• Listening is hearing things.

Since the first answer is incorrect because you can’t define a word by itself, let’s move on to the second one. Often times hearing and listening are used as synonyms; however, they are actually two distinctly different actions (and yes, listening is an action!).

Hearing

The ability to hear noise or sounds occurs because sound waves vibrate on the eardrums.
That’s it, it’s that simple!

Sometimes hearing loss can effect one’s ability to listen. For example, you may notice that older relatives have a hard time hearing you. This is most often caused by age-related hearing loss, which can be frustrating for both younger relatives, who feel they are constantly repeating themselves, and for the older adult, who often times feels isolated and less apart of. If you think you or a loved one has hearing loss, you can check out this article for a checklist to determine if a doctor’s visit is necessary.

Listening

While hearing sound is a pretty straight-forward, yet important part of the listening process, it is clear that there is more to listening than first meets the eye.

Listen, then, is paying close attention to what we hear. When we listen we give sound meaning.

We are constantly inundated with sounds, and it is impossible to pay full attention to every noise we hear (think of birds chirping, cars honking, phones ringing, computer keys being tapped, people talking, etc.). The problem is in our ability to choose to listen to the right thing at the right time.

Tip #1: Choose to Listen to People Over Things

Technology is amazing, it’s how I am able to communicate with you right now! But unfortunately it has created many new barriers to effective listening.

Here’s the plain truth – You cannot do two things at once and listen well.

So, if someone starts to ask you a question, whether that be your child, significant other, parent, boss, server at a restaurant, doctor, or nurse, put down whatever tech gadget is in your hand and look them in the eye.

This means pausing whatever YouTube video or Nextflix show you are watching and putting down your cell phone, even if you just got a Facebook alert, to give your full attention to whoever is standing in front of you.

And if you are working on something this is time sensitive, or you really can’t break your concentration (think doing taxes or homework), then ask the person if they can wait just a few minutes for you to finish.

Good listeners never try to do both things at the same time.

Tip #2: Don’t Pretend to Listen

There’s a fancy term for this called pseudolistening. Pseudolisteners are good at faking like they are listening.

And this actually brings up and important point about listening: It involves both verbal and nonverbal communication.

So, pseudolisteners look people in the eye while they’re talking, they nod their heads in encouragement, and they say things like, “uh huh,” at all the right times. But in their heads, they are totally somewhere else.

These are the people that if asked, “What did I just say?” Would have no idea, because they were off daydreaming about anything besides the conversation at hand.

Considering even the above average listener only remembers about 50% of a conversation 24 hours after having it, you can quickly see how pretending to listen can have frustrating results for you and those around you.

If you suspect someone you communicate with is a pseudolistener, ask them to paraphrase what you told them to be sure they at least got the most important parts of the message immediately after hearing it.

Tip #3: Stop Daydreaming

In meditation, they call it monkey mind, but in communication, we call it spare brain time. We all have it. Since our brains can process language at speeds much faster than our mouths can talk, we have a lot of extra time to think about other things besides the conversation we are having.

That’s why students are able to read my PowerPoint lectures, listen to my voice, and take notes, all while also thinking about what they are going to eat for lunch.

But just because we have the ability to do this, doesn’t mean we should.

Instead, try to use your spare brain time to refocus in on the conversation at hand. Repeat what the person just said in your head, and try not to get distracted by anything they say.

Try this little homework assignment: Try to catch yourself every time your mind wanders to a new topic. The more aware you are about it, the quicker you’ll be able to shift back to paying full attention on what’s presently going on.

Tip#4: Ask the Speaker What They Want From You

I’m sure we’ve all had a time when we just wanted to vent our frustrations and have someone listen, but instead we end up getting an ear full about, “what we should do” about the problem. There are actually several different reasons to listen, and evaluating or fixing a problem is just one of them.

So, before you begin to give advice, double-check if that’s actually what the person wants from you. You can say something like, “Just double-checking, do you need to just vent, or do you want my input? I’m here for you either way!” (And be sure to say it with a sincere tone of voice too).

Here’s the rundown of different reasons people want you to listen to them:

• To understand them or a situation better.

Ask questions for clarification and increased understanding.
Paraphrase what someone said to make sure you’re on the same page.

• To build/maintain relationships

The minute you think you know everything about someone is when you stop listening to them. People change and grow. Don’t miss out on that because you didn’t listen.

• To evaluate a situation

Imagine being on a jury. Hopefully you would not evaluate whether someone was innocent or guilty before hearing all the evidence. The same is true in your relationships as well. When we think we have all the answers, we stop listening, and often miss something important.

Summary

People assume they are good listeners simply because they can hear, but that is not the case. Communication scholars have spent decades researching listening skills to help us improve our interactions. There is even an International Listening Association that publishes three academic journals all dedicated to research on listening and relationships. And there are even entire textbooks devoted to effective listening skills!

This hopefully demonstrates that listening is a skill that you can practice and get better at. By applying the 4 tips:

• Choosing to listen to people over things
• Not pretending to listen
• Not daydreaming during conversations
• Asking the speaker what they want from you

You will see your relationships change and improve. You’ll be less frustrated and notice fewer conflicts. And best of all, by applying these changes you’ll be able to teach others how to be better listeners by example.

Homework

Choose at least one of the four tips to practice this week and report back your results in a comment below!