No one likes to do chores.

By their very definition, chores are small, regularly occurring jobs that are dull, unpleasant, or sometimes downright difficult. But unless you are lucky enough to have a live-in maid like on the Brady Bunch, then you are probably stuck doing most of this work; well at least if you are a woman.

Now please don’t get me wrong. This article is not going to be another “men never do any work” article, and I am sure that there are many of you guys who do your fair share of housework; however, most studies do indicate that the vast majority of chores are still done by women, whether or not they work full-time, and whether or not they are the primary bread-winner in the household.

For example, a 2014 Telegraph article described a study that interviewed 1,000 working mothers on the division of labor in the house. Results indicated that men primarily have 3 regular chores: taking out the trash, DIY stuff around the house, and changing light bulbs.

In contrast, women regularly identified 36 chores that they did on a regular basis.

Additionally, the Bureau of Labor Statistics found that in 2013, women spent a total of 2 hours 13 minutes on household activities (including laundry, interior cleaning, food prep, etc.) per day while men only spent 1 hour 21 minutes doing these same chores.

Now at this point you might be wondering what the heck does this have to do with health or communication? Actually a lot.

Take this 2012 article from the European Journal of Public Health, for example. Their study found that when mothers perceived they exerted high effort but received low reward for their unpaid housework, they had poorer physical and mental health, increased stress, and increased anxiety.

On top of this, poor communication about chores can lead to conflict, resentments, marital dissatisfaction, and even break-ups.

The goal for the rest of this post is to explain a theory of the division of domestic labor that was published in the Journal of Family Communication, and to provide a simple strategy to help cohabitators (spouses, parents and children, or roommates alike) find a more balanced distribution of chores without perceptions of one person being a nag and the other being a lazy bum.

A Theory About Why Women Do More Housework

If you get frustrated about doing more work (or being told to do more work) around the house, then you are not alone. In fact, it is such a common occurrence that several theories have been created about it! But this one in particular caught my eye because it combines several of the other theories together, suggesting that there is not one simple reason for the gendered division of labor in the home. Let’s take a look at a breakdown of the theory:

Different response threshold levels for cleanliness

A threshold is, “the magnitude or intensity that must be exceeded for a certain reaction… to occur.”

Response threshold for cleanliness, then, indicates how dirty the house must become before a person is motivated to perform a task (e.g., wash the dishes, sweep the floor, etc.). A person who has a lower response threshold will be more likely to perform a chore earlier than those who have higher response thresholds.

The authors stated that biological and social factors (e.g., women are naturally more attuned to see more detail than men, and teen girls do 50% more domestic labor than teen boys) play a role in response threshold levels, which is why women typically have lower thresholds to dirt and grime than men.

This becomes a problem when women continuously do a certain chore because their threshold is met first because:

• Men never reach their response threshold so are never motivated to do a chore themselves.
• The chore becomes the woman’s simply because of the fact that she does it more often due to her low response threshold.
• Because she does it more, the woman becomes “better” at it than the man, so even when they do the chore, the man can never seem to do it “right.”
• Since the man doesn’t do the chore to the woman’s satisfaction, she may either criticize his work, micromanage him while he does it, or take it back all together, reducing the likelihood that he will be motivated to ever do it again.

Sound familiar??

In this merry-go-round situation, it becomes pretty obvious that neither party will end up happy, and no real solution to the problem is found. Women continue to do the majority of the chores because the typical unspoken chore rule is “if it bothers you, then you should be the one to do it.”

This then leads women to become overworked, stressed, and resentful that little help is offered. She might then begin to complain to the man that he never helps around the house, but when he does, he is still criticized for not doing it up to the woman’s standards (e.g., he doesn’t do it exactly as she would do it). Thus, the woman maintains control of the chores, cementing them as “hers” and the man now resents the wife double for “making” him do “her” chores and also nagging him while he does it.

This is definitely NOT a healthy communication pattern. So what’s does the theory suggest is the solution?

The Solution

Having explicit discussions about task allocation can reduce conflict and inequities in household labor.

Let’s start with what an explicit discussion is NOT:

• It’s not a demand. No one likes to be told what to do, and while a demand may be explicit (e.g., your request is very clear), it is not a discussion.
• It is not an assignment. Your spouse/significant other/roommate is not a child. But if you “assign” them chores to do, you are essentially becoming their parent.

Well, then what is an explicit discussion?

• It is a conversation with your partner brainstorming information, ideas, and opinions on how to best tackle all the household chores together.
• This should not be done when you are especially frustrated, stressed, or tired because the conversation could quickly end up in “you never do anything” land.
• Instead, ask your partner if there is a good time for them to talk about trying to figure out a better system to get things done around the house.

Create a Detailed Chore List

One thing that has worked well for me is to write down all the chores I am planning to do. And I get very specific. For instance, if I put down “do the dishes”, it is highly likely that is all my husband will do. That means the pots and pans will not get cleaned, and neither will the counter nor the sink. Now, to be clear this would not happen because he is not smart, or even that he is trying to purposefully not do what I asked. It’s simply that men are usually very literal and will do exactly what you ask; probably not any more, or any less.

So, instead of getting frustrated and telling Scott he didn’t do it “right” I’ve learned to separate these items into individual chores. Or, perhaps you can write “clean the kitchen” with the explicit understanding of what that entails.

The lesson here is that I cannot get mad at Scott because he took my request (clean the dishes) literally, even though I really meant clean the whole kitchen. The problem is actually in my ability to clearly communicate my request, not his ability or desire to complete the chore.

Have Him Choose His Chores First

The other thing that has really helped reduce the feelings of being his mom instead of his wife is to let him pick his chores. I simply say:

“These are all the chores that need to get done this weekend, and I need help. Can you please pick half of the items to do?”

By giving a specific timeframe (e.g., this weekend), it gives a deadline to do the chores without him having to feel like he needs to do it “right now.”

Yes, he’ll probably still leave you the bathrooms to clean, but you will have 50% less work to get done, which is nothing to sneeze at.

Additionally, seeing on paper how much you actually do around the house will make him (hopefully) appreciate how hard you are working without him even realizing it.

The trick is to not do this once and then expect him to continue to do the chore on a regular basis (hello resentment, nice to see you again). Instead, make it a habit of creating that detailed list (maybe even have a pre-made spread sheet) and letting him pick 50% of the items to do.

Another added benefit of doing this is that they will gain more experience doing a chore, and with more experience they will get better at doing it.

While He’s Doing Chores

Avoid doing these things while he is doing the chores:

• Don’t watch him while he’s doing it.

This will give the impression that you don’t trust him to do it right. And even if you don’t trust him to do it right, think about it, how demeaning do you think it is to tell someone they don’t fold a towel right? (Trust me I’ve done it!)

• Don’t check up on him to see if he’s finished his tasks.

Once the chores are delegated, let it go. Get your chores done and then use your free time to relax instead of making sure the rest of the chores get done. This, again, is another motherly behavior to avoid.

Once He Does the Chores

Consider trying a bit of positive reinforcement:

• Truly thank him for doing each task individually.
• Maybe even add a hug or kiss (or butt slap if he did a really good job).
• Refrain from pointing out what he did wrong, especially the first time he does it.
• Seriously, let it go, because your health and the health of your relationship are more important than whether the dishes were put into the dish washer correctly. If they are clean, and you didn’t clean them, then that’s awesome news.

Summary

Ladies: Men are not “uncaring slobs.”Due to our biology and social upbringing, we are predisposed to be less tolerant of a dirty house, and we have more experience cleaning it; however, this does not mean that we should to the primary house cleaners. Use the tactics described here to get your spouse to start helping out more.

Guys: Ladies are not “clean freaks.” They are just more sensitive to dirt and grime. So even though you may not care that the sheets are washed weekly, or that the dishes go back into the cupboard in a particular place, do it because you do care about your spouse and want to make her happy.

And remember this:

• Women’s marital satisfaction is directly related to how much you participate in routine housework.
• And studies show that doing housework does not increase men’s levels of depression or distress.

So, if it doesn’t negatively affect your health, but it could hurt the health of your marriage, doesn’t it seem like the right thing to do to help out more?

 

 

But if that doesn’t persuade you, just remember that seeing a man clean, is the ultimate porn for a woman.

 

Please leave me a comment and let me know if you try this, and if it works for you. Have another healthy suggestion to divvy up chores? Let me know!